#Antisocial: How the Hashtag is Killing Personal Relationships

Posted on by Dr. Mark Parisi

Look around you. You see it everywhere. The phone. The earphones. The tablet. And the distracted patrons who don’t even take a second to look up. There are even businesses that are posting signs stating cell phone use is prohibiting in the checkout line or in the doctor’s office. We are having to specifically be asked to interact with those in front of us. The never ending technology in our world has done many great things for us, but there are some negative impacts on your social life.

You may have thousands of friends or followers on your “social” media, but are those relationships impacting the ones around you? Do you unplug for those who truly mean something to you? The ones who are in front of you?

When sitting at a restaurant watching others, I did not see a single table where a cell phone wasn’t used. In many cases, couples were sitting right across from each other, both looking at their phone and not speaking to one another, not even putting it down to eat. They are being social but not with the people they are with. The danger here is that we start losing touch with the people in our lives because we simply don’t get off the phone or take off headphones to talk and give the other person our time and attention. As a marriage and family therapist, I know many couples in trouble usually would be better off if they just paid a little more attention to the other person.

Now let me state that I do feel that technology and social media all have an important place in our lives and world. I am not saying it should be banned or not used. As a Chicago counselor, my concern is finding that balance. People are starting to feel isolated from one another because of a false sense of connection. Emails, mobile phones and social media are valuable methods of communicating information and are a great business too, but people are still very social creatures and need to interact with a live people who can read emotion in their face, touch each other’s hand, give a consoling hug, or a celebratory high five. We need real interaction and personal relationships, and more important, we need to build and sustain the existing ones in our lives. If you want someone to know they are important to you, you must show them. You must give them attention, and devote quality time to being with them (not your phone).

Chicago and the surrounding area (Des Plaines, Arlington Heights, Schaumburg, Barrington, Hinsdale, Skokie, Lincolnwood, Park Ridge, and Wilmette) is full of social places. So as we are approaching the end of our summer, let’s all make a conscious effort to relate deeper and make time for the people in front of us. Talk to a stranger. Make a new friend. Break out of your shell and see what it does for you.

If you have a relationship that needs further nourishing, you can contact any of our affordable psychologists and marriage and family therapists in Chicago.

Four Steps to Repair Your Relationship With the H-E-A-L Technique

Posted on by Dr Mark Parisi

Real, lasting relationships are NOT what you see in romance movies. There is a reason the movies only last a few hours—a real relationship cannot stay at that gushy, melt-your-heart level for much longer than that. A true relationship is based on the ordinary. The relationships that are built to withstand the everyday, routine life are the ones that are the strongest. The H-E-A-L technique can help repair a relationship as well as build and maintain relationships that you want to work every day of your life.

Step1. Hear—It has been said to that you should listen twice as much as you speak, but this only works if you are really trying to hear what your partner is saying. Try to fully understand your partner’s state, which includes body language and facial expression in addition to the words being said. Be present in conversations, and make sure you are communicating. Lack of communication is a huge relationship killer.

Step 2. Empathize—Not all problems need solutions. Sometimes it is best to just be there for someone and let them know you understand where they are coming from. Giving a solution can sometimes come across as judgment, according to Dr. Greenberg of Psychology Today. Really try to put yourself in your partner’s place. If you can understand why he or she would feel a certain way, your response to those feelings will likely be more positive.

Step 3. Act—Do not get caught in a negative cycle. If there is problem, address it. Take action to discuss and fix any issues that are troublesome. If you are constantly fighting about the same thing, there hasn’t been any resolution. It is important to remember that couples fight. You don’t always have to agree or see eye to eye on every issue to be in love. However, it is important to be respectful and understanding of each person being unique and having their own ideas. No one is perfect. Be accepting of that in others and yourself and always work to make yourself and the relationship better.

Step 4. Love—Love, love, love, and love some more. Make special effort to help your partner feel loved. Do not take one another for granted and never forget the special moments from your relationship. Take time to reminisce. Talk about the good qualities and feelings that make that person special to you.

Remember that relationships take work. There are some moments that may feel like the love story on TV, but those are the rarity. You have to choose to put in the effort to find happiness in the ordinary, but the good part, it is worth it.

Dr. Parisi and his staff of marriage and family therapists in Chicago offer affordable counseling that can help you use the H-E-A-L technique as well as many others (See this post to avoid relationship problems) to make a healthy and lasting relationship.

Greenberg, M. (2013). Four steps to relationship repair with the H-E-A-L technique. Psychology Today.

What is Solution-Focused Couples Therapy?

Posted on by Dr Mark Parisi

Often times, couples seek professional counseling help far too late after having experienced years of tension and built-up resentment.  In order to avoid becoming a statistic in the nation’s soaring divorce rate, it is important to select a mental health professional who practices Solution-Focused Couples Counseling.

Solution-Focused Couples Counseling, as the name implies, is geared toward helping couples devise practical solutions for their problems focused on meeting each other’s needs. The primary assumption of Solution-Focused Couples Counseling is that relationships succeed or fail to the extent that couples meet each other’s needs and place their partner’s need on par with their own needs.

Solution-Focused Couples Counseling is a type of psychotherapy that is active, goal-driven, and focused on the here-and-now.  The central question posed by a mental health professional who practices this type of psychotherapy is “What would you be doing differently if you were doing a better job of meeting this particular need of your partner?”

There are a variety of exercises employed in the practice of Solution-Focused Couples Counseling.  One type of exercise has the couple come up with a list of what they perceive one another’s needs are. This allows for honest communication about needs and a chance to dispel misunderstandings.  Another exercise allows the couple to define specifically, in behavioral terms, what they can do to meet each other’s needs. Over the course of therapy, the couple reports back to the mental health professional how they are doing with trying out new sets of behaviors.  The emphasis is on having the couple offer each other positive feedback to try to build in more goodwill, encouragement, and engender optimism that the relationship can succeed.

Overcoming Relationship Problems

Posted on by Dr Mark Parisi

Problems can strike at relationships any time. Whether the couple is celebrating many years together or just getting to know one another, there is no immunity to such issues.  How can you avoid having these problems strike your relationships? There are several things to keep in mind during any kind of relationship problem; a few of them are listed below.  Although each relationship is unique, these tips are universal.

  1. Communicate – sometimes when couples are experiencing problems related to their feelings for each other, they retreat into themselves rather than discussing their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and emotions. Unfortunately, this may make the problem worse.  By communicating with the one you love, you may find that the problems are resolved more easily than you had anticipated. You may find that the issues you thought were a major division between you and your partner was simply a misunderstanding that had gotten blown out of proportion.
  2. The Blame Game – relationship problems often turn into a never-ending round of the blame game in which each of you blame the other.  It is important to resist this game; it does not help solve your problems and often deepens the chasm between you.  Communicate, as emphasized above, rather than playing this game.
  3. Airing Dirty Laundry – for many couples, relationship problems lead to talking to family members and friends about intensely personal, relationship issues. This can be a huge mistake.  It is important to remember that this does not help solve your problems – and your gripes may make their way back to your partner and cause tremendous conflict and resentment.

Although you, like everyone else in the world, are susceptible to relationship problems, you can overcome them. (See here for more tips on how to heal your relationship.)

Just remember to communicate, avoid playing the blame game, and resist the temptation to air your dirty laundry in a way that may intensify conflict between you and your partner.

If you employ these simple tips – as well as heeding any other good relationship advice you may have heard from people you trust – you should find that your relationship problems are resolved.  Others may crop up in the future, but you will have the tools to handle them.